whose in charge? flesh vs. spirit

I have been struggling through marriage and life with small children and lonely days. I wanted to give up. What does love look like? Is it fair and equal and both sides giving their all? I know in  my head it is prefering the other above yourself,  laying your life down, being like Jesus who being in the very nature God didn't consider equality with God somthing to be held onto....but he made himself nothing. Nothing. Taking on the form of a bond servant. (Phil. 1) Yet, he was the happiest man alive. He was fully alive taking the last place. Being overlooked. His joy came from another source. From the Spirit of his Father. Their divine exchange of the Father delighting and loving His son and back and forth fueled Jesus and his identity as a son. I know all these things in my head, but I often struggle with feeling the reality that its enough. When Im longing for someone even my spouse to understand me and fill my needs. Understand my heart. Think about my day. Pefer me. Be like Jesus to me. Ahh. And there is my problem. Me. This self focus. When I hear the familiar voice of the accuser sounding very convincing when he brings up me. I deserve better. (The truth is, I deserve hell. But God has given me mercy. And He wants to be with me.) All I end up with is me. A parasite trying to suck the life out of my spouse.
Marriage is the great refiner. The great sanctifier. And thankfully its brought me closer to Jesus. I know I can't run to my husband to fill all my needs. But when I run to the Lord, read his words and believe them and walk them out, His life flow, flows out of me through joy and spills off onto others. Thats what I want. Not me at the end of the day, but Him. Will I die already? Will I be the first one to run to the cross and get on it? Get on it? Will I live according to the Spirit, or according to my flesh? My flesh being my mind, will, emotions. (my soul) I don't know about any of you, but when my day is dictated by my feelings and emotions.....oh boy, I am on a roller coaster ride. And also, I find Im not believing Truth. Im fighting pity parties and believing lies. I want to live according to the Spirit. Walking in the Spirit and feeding off His Spirit flowing through me. I want to eat His words and let them transform me and make me whole. It is a world of difference when I surrender to this dying process of my flesh vs. my spirit. The Spirit gives life, but the flesh amounts to nothing. Will I grow up already? In the Lord? Or demand attention and affection like a little 4th grader who is selfishly wanting their own way. No, I will keep moving forward by "being transformed by the renewing of your mind..." (Rom. 12:2) I know who I am in God. I will lay my life down to be like Him. I will join myself to him even in things that seem unfair. He of all people knows what its like and I will gladly, joyfully, enter into any fellowship with Him even if it is a fellowship of suffering. Because He is my God. My Joy. My delight. I want Him to be glorified in my life and in my marriage. He is worth it all. And yes, I do love my husband very much. Now it's a race to whoever can get to the cross first. This is what marriage is about.

walk in love

As a wife and mom I somtimes lose sight of the big picture. My husband is in a very stressful season and juggling school, work, rental property, our own household, and an internship for school. The one thing he asks of me is the very thing I struggle with to do well. It is to keep our household clean, picked up, and organized. I have an almost one year old and a three year old. How do other people do it, I wonder? When both of us are feeling exhausted and maxed out, my husband looks to our home being a place of rest and order in his chaotic world. I fail. Every single time. I push myself til I dont think I can do anymore and it goes overlooked or somtimes criticized. When that happens I feel like my heart is going to literally burst. Im crushed. Im devestated because Im trying yet Im failing. BUT, wait. Am I? Man looks at the outward,but God looks at the heart. The very core of me. He doesnt look for perfection but redemption. He looks at my sincerity and loves me at my weakest. What Im trying to say is, who are you doing it for at the end of the day? If my children or husband dont eat the meal I fix them or scowl at the mess I just cleaned up 5 minutes ago, it's okay. Because I didnt do it for them. I did it for the Lord. I did it with my best and I gave my all. That is what He is looking for. When my effort is unnoticed, I wont get hurt or offended. Why? Im not looking for approval from the eyes of men because I know I already have the approval of the one who sees my heart. . I did it in love. I can smile and embrace humility and love the people I love most. I can forgive and feed on the praise of God rather than the forgetfulness of man. Be liberated today! God has a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light. Step into His redemption today. You are attracting the eyes of heaven when you choose humility and love. It is a rare thing in the earth today.

early may

I am amazed at how fast this garden is growing. I started seeding in early March since the weather was incredibly warm as if it was April or May weather. Now were harvesting so many things, radishes, spinach, blond lettuces, cilantro, thyme, oregano, arugula, kale, beets...what is fun is letting Eden harvest with me and then wash it off and chop it into our plates. With the help of very delicious salad dressings....she eats it! She normally needs somthing to dip her veggies in ....like hummus (thank you very much, without you there'd be no hope) or dressings. And two new additions this year are the chicken wire (my 86 year old grandpa is awesome!!) fenced in garden area complete with door and lock and mulch to cover the soil. My next step is to look for a tree service that mulches the leaves and everything and to get ahold of THAT awesome organic stuff for free. Check out this documentary about gardening with mulch. So far only a few catepillars have munched holes in my lettuces and kale, but that is good news because its delicious to eat and safe! Did you know in Japan people would pay twice to three times more for vegetables that had bug bite holes in them? They did this because the vegetables in the stores that looked perfect had been sprayed by pesticides and the bugs wouldn't touch it or eat it. They didn't want to eat what bugs didn't see fit. Plus its really not good for our bodies. Interesting food for thought.....

D.I.Y. hairbows & nesting blocks

My friend Ashton Shjandemaar had this incredibly genius idea to make bows for our little girls, whats funny is that we ended up wearing them more than they did. Pick out your favorite fabric, cut it into a rectangle and if you like you can surge the edges if you have a surger or sewing machine, otherwise just bunch it up and use a hot glue gun. To make my headband I just used a pair of grey tights and cut it. So easy. So cute. So fast.
The second idea is to hot glue on some nesting blocks your favorite fabric. I used some teaching blocks that were a firm paper/cardboard type of material. Eden ran away with the nesting theme and called them her wedding cakes. I suppose that would work, too.

letter station

Ever since her grandma started sending her letters in the mail, it became a sudden interest and we suddenly started looking for the mailman, and looking for mail on a regular basis. Awhile ago, I saw an idea of a mail/letter station. In a moment of complete inspiration today I put together hers, in her current playroom. I set up stamps, a booklet of dates to remember (bdays), an address book, vintage envelopes from my father, colored pencils, a library stamp for the date, a notepad and some thank you cards and envelopes. My hope in all this, was to inspire her to write and color to keep in touch with loved ones, but also to fuel her creativity. I am a big fan of learning spaces. I want my home to be inviting to kids to explore and create and use their imaginations and to be a spring board to learn and grow. I feel like our playroom is shifting into this big school room which is ironic because I always wanted to be a teacher. If you're a parent you're already a teacher. I love that learning and fun can begin at any age. The next post will be about her transformations to her new playroom. Until then!

ice cream social birthday

Today a certain vivacious little girl turned three. We chose an ice cream social theme because she loves ice cream cones and anything of that category. There were toppings to choose from, different flavors of pre scooped ice cream, cupcake cones, and waffle cones. I downloaded free printables from eatdrinkchic.com, here from her ice cream parlour templates. It was so much fun to create and fun to watch the excitement on her face to be with her friends! I love celebrating life, what a precious gift she is.

outside ideas continued...

Another idea for outside was a simple water station, but then I thought it would be neat to show her how to make colors. I had red, blue, yellow and green and we mixed them to make other colors of the rainbow.   She played with this for an hour I think, and she was so absorbed in her discovery. It was nice to be able to get dirty and stained and not worry about it. It's nice to have a designated place for messes!

creation gives Him glory

This beautiful tulip that I had been admiring for days, was plucked by Eden and I'm glad, really that she did because now, I can enjoy it and study it even closer. It seemed to fit right in my orange bowl. Little things like this make me so happy. They make me gaze at the detailed design of God and how it speaks of  how He cares of the little things. He does things with excellence. It's flawless. Fragile. Beautiful. Just how  the beauty draws me into it, it draws the worship right out of me and onto Him.

outdoor hunt

If anyone else has a busy 2 almost 3 year old who constantly needs activities and things to do this was a success for us. Eden has a thing for exploring (should I thank Dora? probably not.) and binoculars, magnifying glasses and maps are her thing. I thought it might be interesting to surprise her this morning with a map (not very pretty, I could have taken the time to use a brown paper bag but used the first thing I saw) and drew a course through our backyard. Once she followed the main clues, ex. past the flower garden, by the small tree, around the big tree etc. she was led to her "treasure". I hid her lunchbox full of cookies I made the night before. I asked her at the end if she had fun and loved her response. I told her that life is a treasure hunt for Jesus and He is the hidden treasure. You have to search for Him with all your heart and not give up no matter how long or hard it is. Sometimes you'll find Him easier than other times, but sometimes He hides Himself. When that happens, dont give up! He loves it when we want Him!

planning

I came across this free journal idea to record and keep track of all my planting times, seeds, and layouts for the garden. I'll admit if its pretty.... it inspires me to use it. I've been using regular paper, boring! I'm getting ready to transfer it all to this instead. Next I'm thinking of printing these free ones off to put in the girls' play room along their wall. Hello spring! I can't wait to teach my girls the basics in sowing and reaping. The backyard will be our classroom!

goodbye winter

About a month ago we had our last snow and how quickly it's turned into spring!  Almost spring. We had one last snow to play in of which I'm thankful for. For the first time I tried repurposing what I had laying around the house to make igloo blocks with Eden. 

Then as soon as it came, it quickly left and here were left with warm sunny spring like days and crocuses springing up. Now were planning our spring garden and getting our seeds growing indoors. And with that, enjoying some of the last frozen carrot tomato soup from the winter days. Our favorite recipe is from Amanda Blake Soule.
Carrot-Tomato Soup

2 TBSP butter
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 lbs tomatoes, peeled* and sliced in half with stems removed
3/4 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp fresh ground black pepper
(optional) fresh sprigs of thyme, oregano or rosemary
1 medium sized yellow onion, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
5 medium sized carrots, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 cups chicken (or vegetable) stock
1/3 cup fresh basil leaves, chopped
3/4 cup heavy cream

Place sliced tomatoes on a baking sheet. Cover with most of the olive oil (reserving 2 TBSP or so), and the salt and pepper. If you'd like a little more flavor, I sometimes add a fresh sprig or two of oregano or thyme atop the tomatoes. Place in a 400 degree oven for 30 minutes to roast.

Halfway through the roasting, melt the butter and remaining olive oil in a heavy-bottomed pot over medium-low heat. Add onion, celery, carrots, and garlic and cook until the vegetables begin to get soft (15 minutes or so). When the tomatoes are done, add those to the pot (removing the sprigs of herbs), along with the stock. Simmer on low until the vegetables are all tender (another 15 minutes or so).

Puree the soup. (I don't have an immersion blender, so my regular blender works just fine, doing it in batches.)

Stop here and see below if you'd like to freeze some of the soup for later!**

Return the soup to the pot and onto the stove. Heat slowly. Add the chopped basil and heavy cream.

Enjoy!

Notes:

*To peel the tomatoes, heat a sauce pan full of water and bring to a boil. Place tomatoes in for a minute. Remove and let cool. The skins will peel off easily after that.

**Because I love the basil and cream to be fresh when I serve this, at this point, I try to estimate how much I'll use for dinner now and how much I'd like to freeze for later. Usually, with this recipe, I freeze a one quart mason jar, filling it to within an inch from the top to allow for expansion room when it freezes. It makes a perfect lunch or light dinner size for us, especially when served with some crusty bread and sharp cheddar cheese for sandwich dipping!

bird cookies

Another gloomy cloudy day in February. I looked at Eden and asked her if she wanted to make cookies for the birds. She suddenly jumped around and proceeded to go outside to call them to our house to let them know the exciting discovery. We got our recipe from here:
http://blog.imaginechildhood.com/imagine-childhood/2011/02/-barn-stories-bird-cookies.html.

 In went the peanut butter, in went the oats, in went birdseed and flour and eggs. 
 She especially loved that she got to put the entire egg in. Squishing and scrunching them around with her hands and making a mess.

  Then some fun cut outs....and we baked them and viola!

 I used some twine we had laying around and made a mobile to hang from our window. Hopefully the birds will enjoy them and not some fat pesky squirrels. The same squirrels I might add that ate our entire garden last year. All in all, there was a whole lot of love put into these cookies of ours. We hope to see the cardinals close up that  we keep hearing all around us.

reform

A friend of mine recently introduced a resource to me called Parenting by design. I've tried a few christian parenting books, but they haven't been very effective for a two year old. This one is different. I've only looked on their site and read a few articles which have already been so insightful. In my immediate season my main issues have been mainly me. I've been grumpy or moody and impatient. I've responded in anger. I've thrown fits during her fits. I have been the rebellious child, and through it all my heavenly Father has patiently walked beside me. He's encouraged me, given me things to strengthen my heart and an unlimited supply of grace each day. His walking with me and being tender with my heart has been the perfect model. In fact, this method suggests He is the perfect model and stresses prayer. It mentions your child will react to how you react. And we all know the verse that says, "Fathers do not exasperate your children so they will not lose heart." I have been exasperating mine. I fear she's been losing heart.  There are different ways we parent ... without going into the different categories we fall in (check it out) I've stepped back and noticed before I can expect change in her, I need to change myself. I love her. This vibrant little person of joy and personality who makes me laugh and melt at the same time. Ultimately? I need Christ to be formed in me before I can expect it in her. Out of the overflow of my heart my mouth speaks. Also, this girl is two. Mmhm. She will make mistakes. She is in a journey of learning consequences and how to live with the decisions she makes. The question is, am I willing to walk beside her in love? In empathy while I teach/train her? Am I going to speak words of life and love and impart courage to her little heart? I don't want her to feel like I'm always correcting her or that she's doing things wrong all the time, even if she does, I want her to see me walking beside her. Never leaving her or forsaking her. Never giving up on her. And still speaking life and words that will motivate her to walk them out fully. I've been experimenting and when I speak words of life, joy and delight over her....she changes. She becomes what I speak, almost. And my tone? She matches it. There is so much influence we have over them, and a lot of our day begins with whats happening in our hearts. So feed your hearts my friends. Feed on Jesus. A man who is so alive and so ready to help those who ask. A man who empathizes with our weaknesses and who champions us on. Fill your mind and hearts with his words and watch as you begin to see Christ formed on the inside.

pruning

Yesterday, I couldn't get this little song out of my head that says, "Remain in me. No greater love has no one than this, that he should lay down his life for his friends. And you are my friends if you do what I command. Remain in me. And I will remain in you." (seeds family worship) I felt from the deepest part of me that this was where I was. Needing to remain in Jesus. It's been a hard season.

Then this morning the message was in the same theme. How do you know you're in a season of pruning? Loss. (financial, friendship, life, ministry, work..)
The weariness sets in. Fear and despair begin to take control. Being around people who have it all together not only makes you feel worse because you are far from together, but makes you want to give up.  In the vulnerable place of your pain its tempting to retreat into a seemingly safe place. A "safe" place where you can have control when everything else is spinning out of control.  You're tempted to draw back. Don't draw back. Its not an option! Be patient. The pruning season demands focus not retreat. What about our brothers and sisters in the faith? Were they spared troubles of various kinds? The disciples? Weren't they beaten, stripped of their property, abandoned, rejected, imprisoned, mistreated? Was Jesus spared suffering? Satan wants to confuse you into losing vision and wrongly interpreting the season you've just walked in. Introspection. He will lie to your already vulnerable state. Lies like, "You wasted your time. You have no vision. You failed. What have you got to show? Nothing. Look what you've done...you didn't hear God. Its your fault." And then anxiety, depression and fear take over. But guess what??? You're in the pruning season because you bore fruit! You have been useful, but God wants to draw you deeper, and satan wants to make you quit so you can be useless. When you feel Him the least is when to declare and trust in Him the most. Even Jesus learned obedience through the suffering of His soul. The testing of our faith proves its genuineness. If I study about the humility of Jesus or any other subject matter, I will probably be tested in the following season of fleshing out what I know. The Lord loves testing us, working things in us...and to see us become the message. I don't want to just write about things I learn but I want to embody those things in walking it out. Displaying it rather than discussing it. God is calling us to remain in Him and to come out of a season of shaking clinging to Him. In the midst of trials let it be burned onto our souls that He is our portion, and our true source. And God disciplines those He loves. Were true children if He allows us to draw closer and go deeper with Him. Study the life of His friends throughout the ages. Suffering through trials, imprisonments...its a telltale sign that were His. The testimony that comes forth from their lives is to His glory. We'll thank Him in the age to come.

fresh start

I have put it off long enough. The fear of failure and it won't matter anyway echoed through my thoughts, but last night I betrayed my thoughts and I'm moving forward. Let's face it. My health matters. It matters how I take care of myself, and I haven't. It's worth it to feel good again. It's worth it for my children. It's worth it to ingrain habits they will eventually learn from me. It's hard to undo my years of bad habits but in the training ... hopefully I will reap a harvest of good stuff. I plan to start simple. I plan to cut out much of my processed and packaged meals I revert to to save my life everyday since I lack the energy to plan and prepare something better. I plan to munch on fresh raw fruits and veggies, really focusing on ginger, garlic, lemons, fennel, grapes, pineapple, coconut oil, flax seed..some good stuff for the gut. That my friends, is the issue. We'll see if it helps? Back to meal planning, and smart shopping I go. Time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. It'll be worth it, right?

order

I stumbled across this "the days' draft" clip board, and I'm thrilled excited about it! This is so helpful for someone with a fly by the seat of their pants personality. I love structure and organization...but to be consistent with it is difficult. I can organize, clean and get  loads done, just not manage my time well and find at the end of the day, "Yeah, wait a minute....who IS making dinner?" rings in our house. http://www.aholyexperience.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dayplanner.pdf
Heres the link to the daily organizer. One of my goals will be to try to do the same thing at the same time each day and see how it makes my life easier! Im a sucker for routine...of course there is always grace to lay down the schedule for NOW moments. Life happens. Babies fuss, toddlers destroy, they cling to your leg demanding your full attention, you put down what your doing to give them your full attention, dogs have accidents, other things ruin those planned out moments...but its nice to have somthing to fall back on, right? Lets see how it goes. As I commune with His Spirit that gives the fullness of life and joy, may I find Him with me in everything that I do. As little as it is. An offering, still.

pause

I'm reading a book right now that's like sitting over coffee and talking to another friend. It's so good.  It ministers to my heart in this season because I wish I could slow time down a little. My girls are growing up so fast and my heart aches at each new milestone. Overjoyed ... yet sad. Is there a way to slow time down? By giving my full attention to the moment.  I was reminded that it's not time that flies by, it's me that flies by! In a whirlwind of deadlines and things to get done I forget to slow down and concentrate on the little ones before me. I tried it today, and time seemed to go slower. Maybe it was just me that needed to slow down?

this summer

 Our gardens and herbs in the beginning were great, but soon the deer and squirrels ate the rest. We learned a lot. My grandpa just built an enclosure over it complete with a door for next spring.

 We ate outside a lot. Garth is the best griller and my excuse to not cook. Eden loves "torn".

 We tried to get as much fresh air as possible before the 110 degree weather hit us for a month.

 During the 4th of July we spent it with chickens and goast and gardens on a ywam base.

 Sister love.

 The pool membership was worth every dollar. We used it during the said heat wave.

 The girls' first pro soccer game, kansas city sporting.

 Bike frustration.

Who doesn't love to be swung back and forth?  This summer was full of fun. I didn't have pics of all the outings with our favorite friends and neighbors the shjandemaars, at the petting zoo the real zoo and the spray parks. We love you summer! Come again soon please!

The heart of it all

There's nothing like a heart attack to wake one up. My father had one 2 weeks ago and the doctors were amazed that he had survived. All 4 major arteries leading to the heart were either 80% to 99% clogged and he had made several trips to Colorado this year hiking up mountains, breathing thin air and working hard. He is a living miracle. He used to just want to sleep whenever he had spare time ... apparently a result of not getting enough blood supply to his heart and brain. After his quadruple bypass this past week, he's finally home and recovering. It's been hard not to tell jokes (I swear thats his love language) because they literally sawed open his rib cage/sternum and had to sew it shut with wire. Any laughing is excruciatingly painful. Every  time I look at him I am amazed he's still here with us. It is like I'm living through the greatest miracle....my dad is alive. God is so merciful! His mercies are new every morning ...Great is His Faithfulness!

homecoming

We are thrilled at our precious little girls arrival! She is so easy natured and peaceful. She hardly cries and when she does she has this little squeak in it that sounds like a sqeaky dog toy, its precious!! Our hearts are full and Eden is so excited. She has been incredibly loving, nurturing like a little mama, and sweet in every way to her little sister. We couldn't ask for a smoother transition in these first days. Our first night home Avery slept through, without a cry (feedings in there of course)! I slept great ...although Eden fought going to bed throughout the night and Garth was up putting a hysterical 2 year old to bed for a few hours. Talk about reversal huh? How we love our girls!