I have been struggling through marriage and life with small children and lonely days. I wanted to give up. What does love look like? Is it fair and equal and both sides giving their all? I know in my head it is prefering the other above yourself, laying your life down, being like Jesus who being in the very nature God didn't consider equality with God somthing to be held onto....but he made himself nothing. Nothing. Taking on the form of a bond servant. (Phil. 1) Yet, he was the happiest man alive. He was fully alive taking the last place. Being overlooked. His joy came from another source. From the Spirit of his Father. Their divine exchange of the Father delighting and loving His son and back and forth fueled Jesus and his identity as a son. I know all these things in my head, but I often struggle with feeling the reality that its enough. When Im longing for someone even my spouse to understand me and fill my needs. Understand my heart. Think about my day. Pefer me. Be like Jesus to me. Ahh. And there is my problem. Me. This self focus. When I hear the familiar voice of the accuser sounding very convincing when he brings up me. I deserve better. (The truth is, I deserve hell. But God has given me mercy. And He wants to be with me.) All I end up with is me. A parasite trying to suck the life out of my spouse.
Marriage is the great refiner. The great sanctifier. And thankfully its brought me closer to Jesus. I know I can't run to my husband to fill all my needs. But when I run to the Lord, read his words and believe them and walk them out, His life flow, flows out of me through joy and spills off onto others. Thats what I want. Not me at the end of the day, but Him. Will I die already? Will I be the first one to run to the cross and get on it? Get on it? Will I live according to the Spirit, or according to my flesh? My flesh being my mind, will, emotions. (my soul) I don't know about any of you, but when my day is dictated by my feelings and emotions.....oh boy, I am on a roller coaster ride. And also, I find Im not believing Truth. Im fighting pity parties and believing lies. I want to live according to the Spirit. Walking in the Spirit and feeding off His Spirit flowing through me. I want to eat His words and let them transform me and make me whole. It is a world of difference when I surrender to this dying process of my flesh vs. my spirit. The Spirit gives life, but the flesh amounts to nothing. Will I grow up already? In the Lord? Or demand attention and affection like a little 4th grader who is selfishly wanting their own way. No, I will keep moving forward by "being transformed by the renewing of your mind..." (Rom. 12:2) I know who I am in God. I will lay my life down to be like Him. I will join myself to him even in things that seem unfair. He of all people knows what its like and I will gladly, joyfully, enter into any fellowship with Him even if it is a fellowship of suffering. Because He is my God. My Joy. My delight. I want Him to be glorified in my life and in my marriage. He is worth it all. And yes, I do love my husband very much. Now it's a race to whoever can get to the cross first. This is what marriage is about.
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